


Somewhere in between

by Lenami



Category: Narcos (TV)
Genre: Angst, Between friendship and something more, Bittersweet, Complicated Relationships, Loneliness, M/M, Melancholy, Pining, Rough Sex, Somewhere between melancholic and angsty, Swearing, There might be some inconsistencies about timeline cos author is an idiot, Touch-Starved, mentioned - Freeform, not sure if this should be mature or not, you can guess if it's mutual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-16 07:29:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29946576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lenami/pseuds/Lenami
Summary: Javier saw the face Carrillo would never show to his wife or kids. That thought would accompany him when he dressed himself after the act, wobbling on unsteady legs, eyes fixed on the flak jacket and his gun that laid discarded on the floor or desk.“You alright?” Sometimes Carrillo would breathe into his ear, right after he finished, his hands, now impossibly gentle, searching for any injuries.“I signed up for this, didn’t I?”“Peña.”“Yeah, I am fine.”Carrillo was, after all, a man of principle....Life before the catastrophe.
Relationships: Horacio Carrillo/Javier Peña, Steve Murphy/Javier Peña
Comments: 6
Kudos: 18





	Somewhere in between

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this instead of studying, so I hope someone can enjoy this work as well and my time doesn't go to waste:)  
> Enjoy!

After the raids, he would let Carrillo fuck him, trying to fill the emptiness left inside of him with the man’s rough touch.

It wasn’t gentle or loving, because in a sense, it wasn’t really for the purpose of sex itself, it wasn't fulfilling some uncontrollable desire, lust in physical sense. It was rushed and bruising, usually against the door of Carrillo’s office or his desk, when it was all said and done. It was pure violence.

Javier wasn’t exactly sure what need Carrillo was fulfilling by this, but the unspoken agreement between them fitted him just fine. He saw the face Carrillo would never show to his wife or kids. That thought would accompany him when he dressed himself after the act, wobbling on unsteady legs, eyes fixed on the flak jacket and his gun that laid discarded on the floor or desk.

“You alright?” Sometimes Carrillo would breathe into his ear, right after he finished, his hands, now impossibly gentle, searching for any injuries.

“I signed up for this, didn’t I?”

“Peña.”

“Yeah, I am fine.”

Carrillo was, after all, a man of principle.

Javier knew that Carrillo understood what was going in his head better than he himself knew at times, so he overlooked the little acts of intimacy but they left him feeling fucking starved for something he couldn’t grasp completely.

He would leave completely shaken, with bruises forming around his hips or arms. Steve seemed vaguely aware of what was going on at first, but Javier wasn’t really sure of it after a while. Steve would cast him weird looks at times and after Connie left but it became quite obvious that he didn’t know shit.

But did it really matter? Carrillo was in Spain by that time and Javier fucked other people to unwind, whoever was willing, men and women. Despite this, even drunk as hell and blind with grief after his wife left, it felt like Steve could see through the cracks in Javi’s carefully crafted mask.

Javier felt itching in his hands, he wanted to _do something_ about whatever was going on around them. And it wasn’t about Escobar or cartels. It was about the strange air around them, stiff with tension.

But he left with only strained “talk to you” on his tongue.

After Carrillo’s arrival back in Colombia, the tension seemed to shift a bit, but in what direction – that remained a mystery. With his family away on another continent, Carrillo would let himself to stay the night at Javier’s place some days. His silent presence next to Javier in the darkness of the bedroom, on Javier’s old cotton sheets, filled entire room, leaving little room for Javier, who curled on his side, content and calm.

Some days, they ate breakfast together in sleepy silence, but usually Carrillo would go out early in the morning, leaving Javier only with shadow of touch, brush of his fingers against Javier’s temple.

Morning of the goddamned raid, Javier woke with the sound of shutting door followed by knocking and Steve’s voice:

“Rise and shine, Peña!”

He rolled out of the bed, irritated, with sleep still behind his eyelids and somehow managed to drag himself to the door.

“Fuck you, Murphy.” He let Steve in, sighing heavily. “What is so important that it couldn’t wait till we got to the office?”

“That’s funny, because I wanted to ask you the same thing.”

Javier raised his eyebrows at him questioningly.

Steve didn’t clarify what he meant by it right away, glaring at Javi with sour expression, eyes squinting in the bright morning light.

“Oh, don’t bullshit me, Javi. I just saw Carrillo leaving. What the hell are you two up to? I am _all in_ , did you forget? Just…” He sighed, leaning against a wall, weariness visible in his movements despite his put-together appearance. “Trust me more. I know you can convince Carrillo to let me on – well, whatever the hell is that.”

Irony of the situation seemed sickly sweet, rotten even, under golden light of the morning and Javier let himself feel amused with it for a moment.

He stayed silent for longer than he should.

“Alright, alright.” He raised his hands, faking gesture of discontented defeat. “Just let me get dressed first.”

“You can make me coffee if we are trying to be civilized with each other.” He added, disappearing back in his bedroom to pick out the least wrinkled of his shirts and come up with some bullshit excuse for Carrillo’s presence in his apartment. Morning air was cool despite the sun and he shivered involuntarily when he felt it against his bare skin, hesitating for a second as his eyes lingered on faint bruising around his wrists.

“No milk, right?”

Steve stood in the doorway, looking at him with strange glint in his eyes.

“Yeah.” He pulled t-shirt on and took the cup from Steve’s hands. “On another note, you really are paranoid, Steve. There was no secret meeting about Escobar.”

He sat down at his small kitchen table, gesturing in somewhat ironically inviting way at the chair across from him.

“Could you just – fucking tell me what is going on.” Steve took the invitation and Javi immediately saw his own mistake as Steve’s gaze flickered from his face to the hickey on his neck and then to his hands around the mug.

“What the fuck is that, Peña?” His hand jerked across the table like he wanted to grab and examine Javier’s wrist but he stopped himself mid-movement.

Javi was too tired to even feel something about Steve’s brilliant discovery. He pulled out his cigarettes and lit one lazily.

“Well, now I will let you draw your own conclusions.”

“So it is like that.”

“Yeah.” He offered a cigarette to Steve. “You must have heard rumours, didn’t you?”

This one was shot in the dark, because Javier did not hear any actual rumours.

“There are no rumours, right? You are just fucking with me.” Steve glared at him across the table.

“Alright, you caught me.” Javier smiled, somewhat faintly, like he wasn’t convinced of his own amusement. “But Christ, don’t pretend to be so shocked.”

“Am I that shocked though?” His voice was surprisingly serious. Javier looked at his face through the cigarette smoke and for the first time this morning felt unsure.

“No. You are not.”

Silence that fell over them felt tense and Javier almost flinched when Steve’s finger brushed against his bruised wrist.

“You let him-”

“Don’t you fucking dare to finish that sentence.” He felt both frustrated and amused by Steve’s concern.

“Alright, fuck my good intentions, Peña.” Steve seemed amused as well, so Javier didn’t dwell on the subject.

“But everything’s alright?” He couldn’t read what was behind Steve’s question.

He took last drag of the cigarette and put it out on discarded saucer from few days ago, looking into Steve’s blue eyes.

“Yeah, I am good. It’s okay.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, and please share your thoughts about the story if you would like to!


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